Melanie and Tony. Day 27.

“Part of a healthy relationship is experiencing those ups and downs together.”

 

Melanie

1. What’s the 4-1-1? Spill the tea from today.

I went to Tony's house after work and we shared some logs with each other. We didn't have time to read them all (Cause sometimes Tony would record a 12 minutes video or I would write a full, works cited dissertation (To all people who have actually written a dissertation, I know this is a gross exaggeration and I have never had the pain you have lived through). Instead we randomly picked some numbers, or sometimes we picked some that seemed important. Like I really wanted to share day 7, cause I was out of control that night and I think it's one of my funnier logs. He wanted to see my perspective on days when he'd felt more vulnerable, like on day 9? (maybe it was 10) and day 18. He'd already had an exhausting day emotionally because he'd had an intense therapy session, so part of me felt bad that he was re-living some of these hard emotions, but he said he wanted to do it. And I'm working on trusting and not taking care of other people's emotions. I think there was an understanding that we'd read it now or read it later, and it was nice to be able to read it together to have clarification or connect it to other things we'd already talked about. It was surprisingly emotional and vulnerable, so I guess that means we shared real stuff, or it just helped us remember how we felt at the time. I guess you guys will glean your own stuff from it or not! Overall it felt pretty real. I knew I would feel ok for Tony to read it, especially because most of it we've already talked about, but it put in harsh reality that ANYONE could read it, and that felt much scarier than Tony reading it.

2. You’ve known your bae long enough to know whether they’re one of those people who would own a wood-panelled minivan. Would they?

Interesting. Looking at them (because yes I googled it to make sure I was thinking of the right thing), I can't really picture it being his jam. Would I quite enjoy it? Probably. I don't know if he'll answer that correctly, but I don't drive that car, so I guess both answers are correct.


3. What decade does your bae belong in? Why?

I see Tony really thriving in the 1940s WWII era. Not because he's behind the times or a grandpa (I've been making some jokes about him being old lately--THIS ISN'T ONE OF THEM), but because he is motivated by a deep sense of duty and service. He's mentioned wanting to be involved in the military in some ways. And I just feel like he has some very Steve Rogers/Captain America vibes about him (slash I think he said Cap is his favorite Avenger? Besides Tony Stark, of course. Get it, because they are both named Tony. And have devices keeping shrapnel from destroying their hearts. Wait what? no he doesn't).


4. How are your friends feeling about your TDB experience? What have they said to you?

Ya know, most people say they are proud of me and also say they would not be able to do this. In the beginning I would respond "oh yeah you could! You should try it." But I'm so burned out and tired this week that I've mostly replied "yeah, I don't know if I can either." Which obviously is not true because LOOK AT ME PEOPLE. THREE DAYS LEFT. I've basically done it, ya know? I'm sure in two weeks I'll be back to saying you should all do it or something like this. Some have said they are excited for me to be less busy and have some of my time back. Most of them are just curious to know how it went and are curious to read the logs. One friend texted me today and said "I'm waiting and waiting for 30 day bae to upload the first bae watch. They're killing me here!" So it seems like most people are a mix of excited and curious.


5. Gif to sum up the day.

I was having a hard time deciding which one to use, so congratulations, you get 6 How we felt starting off

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How Tony felt most of the time

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Tony's face so many times about something he wrote. And sometimes about something I did. Honestly Tony might actually be Jim Halpert.

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Me 

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But at the end, we were pretty proud of us. Also very emotionally tired.

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Find you a bae who will experience anger, process it, and maturely bring it up for clarification in conversations (also, anger is my favorite emotion and I was actually glad to see Tony's recording from day 18 where his nostrils were flaring and he was mad. It has it's place and it's important, people). I was glad I got to piece that experience together more fully after reading his logs. 

 

Tony

1. What’s the 4-1-1? Spill the tea from today.

Tonight, we got together for a couple hours and we shared some of our logs with each other. It was more uncomfortable than I realized it would be. It was hard for me to read one of my logs where I felt like my feelings were growing, but then I would read her logs and it was about how she was confused or uncertain or not feeling super connected. I fully recognize that in every relationship people become attached at different speeds. But in those relationships, we don’t have to know every little bump in the road that our partner is experiencing. We get to live in a little bit of blissful ignorance. Today, I longed for blissful ignorance. I wished that I could just assume everything was great all the time and life was good! But that is not reality. We are humans. We have ups and downs. And part of a healthy relationship is experiencing those ups and downs together and navigating them in a way that is meaningful and progresses the relationship. It was just a hard realization that slapped me right in muh face.

I am also realizing that when I have something important that I am thinking through, I like to spend some time with my thoughts and feelings before I draw a conclusion. I like to think about it, then put it on my mental shelf and let it collect dust for a few days. Then I will pick it back up and examine it some more. Then it might go back on the shelf or I might be ready to draw a conclusion. There are several reasons why I actively do this, but the main reason is that I want to evaluate my emotional response to the thought/idea/experience. In the moment, often times I experience a level of emotion that is disproportionate to the amount of emotion I would expect to feel under normal circumstances. The process of setting my thoughts and emotions on the mental shelf allows me to let my emotional response return to a size that is commensurate with the amount that I expect.

My process does not work well with TDB because I am constantly analyzing things every single day in my logs. In addition, I realized that many of my logs and videos were me verbally processing through the thoughts and feelings. As a result, Mel was seeing how I process things in raw form. This is probably a good thing for our relationship, but it felt very vulnerable to me. Usually, Mel gets the version after it has sat on my mental shelf and been processed for a while. She seemed to really like it though, being able to see me in this way, so maybe I am hitting on something that works for us. Definitely not use to it though!


2. You’ve known your bae long enough to know whether they’re one of those people who would own a wood-paneled minivan. Would they?

I don’t think I could ever imagine Mel in a wood-paneled minivan. Would she ride in one? Yep. Does she probably have friends who own several? Most definitely. Would she go camping with someone where they sleep in the van? Absolutely. Would she ever go out and buy one of her own volition? I really doubt it. 


3. What decade does your bae belong in? Why?

Oh, I could totally see her as a hippie in the 1960s!! She has such a naturally beautiful look that she would fit right in! Plus, she is very relaxed with people and very comfortable with the flow of life. I could totally imagine her with a peace necklace on just soaking in the love of that era.


4. How are your friends feeling about your TDB experience? What have they said to you?

They love that I am doing it. They check in with me every couple days just to make sure I am doing alright and to get an update on some of the details. Mostly they are just intrigued by the idea and want to understand more about it.


5. Gif to sum up the day.

These “Good Place” gifs perfectly illustrate my day. It was kinda like Inside Out with different emotional states in my head all trying to make their voices heard!

My fear:

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My worry:

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My insecurity:

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My confusion:

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My reticence:

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My beleaguered confidence:

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My reassurance:

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My reality:

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