Melinda and Jake. Day 22.

“It would be so easy to do TDB comfortably.”

 

Melinda

1. What happened today?

Jake had said he had a lot to do today so he'd text me when he was free, but I'm not super great at rolling that way. Frankly, when guys say something like that to me, I'm usually like peace  Imma live my own life and make my own plans and if you want to be in those, you best learn to put me in the schedule. But this relationship is different. So at about 4:30, I texted him some suggestions of things we could do tonight. He told me he'd hurt his neck playing spikeball today so he wasn't feeling up for much and I should go hang out with my friends instead. I definitely didn't love that. Especially considering that most of my friends are on various trips that I didn't go on because I was trying to 30 Day Bae it up. I stayed here this weekend to hang out with him. And it's not about if we like each other or if we want to hang out or what, it's about actually doing the experiment, because if we're not doing the experiment to its fullest, we're wasting our time. So after I took a beat, I offered to bring him some dinner. 

You want to hear the really good news? I finally expressed how I was feeling!! I asked him questions and told him how it felt like he didn't want to spend time with me. He said it sounded like I was saying that I was really committed to Thirty Day Bae and he wasn't putting in the same effort. 

"It sounds so much worse when you say it like that," I said.

"I know you weren't trying to blame me, but that's true, I haven't been."

Being right didn't feel good. I wish the problem was me not seeing his point-of-view, that he was putting in effort and I was too short-sighted to recognize that. I don't want it to be that he actually isn't putting in the effort.

Even though I'm not feeling super positive after this communication sesh, I'm going to mark it as a win, because, you guys, I actually got words out of my mouth!

2. Would you rather be unable to eat/drink anything cold or unable to eat/drink anything warm? How do you think your bae will answer? (No cheating, Baes!)

This is hard. But I will say I can't go without eating/drinking cold stuff because I can't stand water that's even at a tepid temperature. The best kind of water is basically melted ice. Plus this way I don't have to sacrifice ice cream!

For Jake I'll say... he would pick skipping out on the hot stuff for the cold stuff too.

(And for anyone who's wondering, yes, I cheated and asked Jake about his childhood yesterday. But I'm not sorry about it. It prompted the best conversation we've had.)

3. Looking back at your experience so far, what has surprised you about TDB?

Honestly, I'm surprised Jake and I haven't gotten closer. I genuinely thought an experience like this would be super bonding. You know that feeling when you go on trip with some stranger and it's full of misadventures and you get to know each other on a different level because you spent all this time doing something hard together? Like, you just love them so much because you got to see parts of their soul that not everyone gets to see so you appreciate them on another level. I thought this would be like that. 

And it has, but with the other girl baes :) I hadn't even met Alicia, I'd only texted her, but I already felt such a strong bond with that lady! Why hasn't that happened with Jake?

Also, I realized Jake doesn't know any of my favorite parts about me — and I don't mean secret things either — I mean the things that even my co-workers or ward members know about me — the things anyone would say if they were describing me. Somehow, this relationship hasn't brought those inherent characteristics forward and I'll take responsibility for that, but it's really a shame that that's how it's been.

4. What do you hope to learn over the next 8 days?

I'm hoping that in the next 8 days I can learn more about developing connection. I don't even mean like a romantic love connection. I just mean enough of a connection that I feel a bond with Jake because we had this experience together and because the nature of this relationship has meant I've gotten to really see him.

5. Our Kween, Brene Brown said, “I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our  [redacted]  kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” What from your experience so far can help you understand what she was teaching here?

It would be so easy to do TDB comfortably. You just have to do the motions — and it’s not hard to go out to eat and be pleasant and fill out some logs and call it a day.

But this experience isn’t worth the sacrifices if I do it comfortably.

It takes courage for me to speak up and actually tell him how he’s making me feel. And it takes courage for me reach out and touch his arm or give him a compliment. And it takes courage for me to show up when I feel like he doesn’t want me there.  

It takes courage because I feel like those actions will be misunderstood or rejected or hurtful and I’ll end up feeling stupid.

But if I didn’t act in courage, I’d be comfortable, but I wouldn’t be actually committed.



 

Jake

1. What happened today?

Today was Saturday and I got quite a bit done and in the evening I played Spike Ball with my roommates and I somehow hurt my neck (we play some intense spike ball). Melinda sent me a list of things we could do tonight but I just didn't really want to move so I told her she should go do some of those things with someone else because my neck hurt and I was just gonna take it super chill for the night. Which I partially felt bad for her having these great ideas and me not being able to go do them and I'm partially feeling myself pulling away from her. I know that in a week this is going to end and I guess I don't want it to be such an abrupt ending. I'd rather kind of ease out of it because I think that'll make ending it easier for both of us. So I was kind of hoping she wouldn't come hang out with me. But she did and not only did she come hang out with me she brought me dinner! Isn't she so freaking sweet?! She brought me Costa Vida and then we went on a walk. And by that time the advil I had taken for my neck kicked in and it was feeling better so we played some ping pong in my basement. I beat her every game. I never know if I should let the girl win in those situations. Like I probably should right? But she would know and then I think she'd be mad that I let her win. Except she probably wouldn't be as mad as she was with me beating her every game. Crap. I should have let her win at least one. That was dumb of me. Why haven't I thought this through more before now. Guys who are reading this always let her win at least one game!

Then we watched the movie called, "On the Basis of Sex." She suggested we watch it and I was like, "I've never heard of it but it sounds very intriguing." She said, "I don't think it's about what you're thinking it's about." She was right. And I actually think I liked it more than she did. Except the ending was the lamest thing ever. Spoiler alert! The whole movie leads up to this one court case and then they don't even show the judge saying who won the case. The results just appear as text on the screen as they leave the courthouse. Why would you not show the judge passing judgement and the people's reactions?! Other than that, it was a good movie.

End of spoiler alert!

Then we had a discussion and she told me she felt like I was pulling back this week which she was 100% right. But I didn't really feel like I could tell her why. Maybe I should have. I don't know. I just apologized and thanked her for bringing it up and told her I would try to be better this next week. And I will.

2. Would you rather be unable to eat/drink anything cold or unable to eat/drink anything warm? How do you think your bae will answer? (No cheating, Baes!)

I think we both would pick unable to eat/drink anything cold. We're both from Idaho we love our hot meals and drinks.

3. Looking back at your experience so far, what has surprised you about TDB?

I wasn't expecting it to feel like acting so much. But I feel like I have to act with my Bae every day. I have to act like I'm super into this and act like we're lovers when really we're likers and more accurately likers just as friends. Which I'm happy we're friends but I can't help but feel like I'm deceiving her and I don't like it. I'm planning on talking to her about this, this week because I can't keep faking it. I need to make it clear we're just friends and stop pretending. But on the other hand this is kind of a good thing. Because I think in marriage sometimes you are frustrated or hurt and you have to just pretend you love them when you're not necessarily feeling it at the moment. Right? Or you at least were in love with the person at one time so it is probably easier to remember why you love the person. Which I want to say I really do love Melinda. She is a great person and I care about her.

4. What do you hope to learn over the next 8 days?

I hope to talk a lot about what our feelings are towards each other and I hope we can go through and read each others logs and have kind of like a debriefing of the whole situation.

5. Our Kween, Brene Brown said, “I want to be in the arena. I want to be brave with my life. And when we make the choice to dare greatly, we sign up to get our  [redacted]  kicked. We can choose courage or we can choose comfort, but we can’t have both. Not at the same time.” What from your experience so far can help you understand what she was teaching here?

It's not a comfortable thing to sign up to date a random person for 30 days and then to follow through with that. But I am always looking to put myself in uncomfortable situations to see what will happen and to get better stories for my life. I love stories especially stories where people go into uncomfortable or difficult situations and make them awesome! I wish I would have been able to go to southern Utah last weekend with Melinda while my ex-girlfriend was there it would have been an uncomfortable situation that had potential to be a great story. Very few times in my life have I thought, "I wish I would have stayed home and watched Netflix." Actually I don't think I've ever had that thought. But many times I've thought, "Oh man that was weird, like I thought it would be, but I'm so glad I did it because I met this person or I got to laugh really hard with these people, or I got a great story from that and I can't wait to tell it on stage doing standup or at least tell the story to my mom, she always gets a kick out of my awkward situations in life." I realize that is a long and oddly specific thought to have many times but i've had it MANY TIMES!

Some people say they're introverts and they use that or other reasons as excuses to not go out and live life. That makes me sad. Go out and talk to strangers and seek to understand them and love them. Life will be so much better that way. Netflix will never make you feel fulfilled... But Hulu will. Jk