Melinda and Jake. Day 19.

“I'm insecure about men liking me.”

 

Melinda

1. Tell us about your time with your bae today.

My plan to talk about how I'm feeling and to understand how Jake's feeling sat in the back of my mind all day. But a couple hours before I was going to head down to his place, Jake texted. He had too much to do, so can we hang out tomorrow instead? 

I told him I was disappointed because I wanted to talk to him tonight. He didn’t respond so I didn't know if he wanted to talk at all. But a few hours later, he called. But by that point, I either didn't feel like the phone was the right vehicle to have that conversation or I'd lost my nerve.

Turns out, tonight's phone call was one of my favorite times talking to him and I kept thinking how he's such an incredible guy (he's so motivated and is using his life to do really awesome things. He's so cool.) so maybe me not being all the way invested in him is just me being one of those terrible Utah daters who can't commit because there's the idea of all these other options. 

But by the end of the call, I realized it's not that. The reason I'm having a hard time connecting with Jake is because I feel like I'm not a priority.

Like take tonight, I had plenty of other things to do too, but even so, I'd chosen to drive down to see him. And he might respond that the deadline for his project got moved up. And that’s fine, I get that, but it's not like he skipped improv class to work on the project is all I'm saying. And it was graphic design, which we both know is perfect for multitasking. He picked which things to make a priority.

And maybe in an isolated case, it wouldn't bother me. But I'd invited him to go backpacking this weekend with my friends and he said yes, but when I asked him about it tonight he said he'd rather work on other projects. And that's fine, I was actually feeling like I wanted to get caught up on things myself. The thing is, I wanted to go on the trip because I thought it would be really good for our relationship to go on a trip together.

And then, when I said, "I'll see you tomorrow?" he said, "Or we could just party hard on Friday." Because, see, the playoff game is tomorrow. But, like, I can watch basketball games too. Sports on tv isn't my favorite, but I don't hate them or anything. I watch them and I can bring something to work on and I'm happy to be there if that's something he wants to do.

But mostly I'm like, we're required by law* to hang out with each other every day (except twice a week FaceTimes) and I've only seen him once this week (because we were both out of town). So even beyond me being a priority, isn't the commitment to the Thirty Day Bae experiment a priority?

I hope this doesn't sound harsh — I honestly don't mean it to. OK, fine... I'll admit the real problem: I'm insecure about men liking me — especially romantically. So this reaction is probably overly sensitive. I just really want to go all in on this relationship, but any sign that he's not into it makes me want to close up and check out and protect myself from rejection.

*The law of Thirty Day Bae


2. Scale from 1-10 how comfortable do you feel with your bae?

7

3. What is something you’ve learned about your bae that would have surprised you on day 1?

I would have been surprised by how hard he works. He really is so passionate about things and he doesn't waste time making them happen.

4. Her Royal Highness, Brene Brown, says that vulnerability is the only way to true connection. How have you felt vulnerable with your bae?

Just putting myself in this place where there's the potential of rejection feels really vulnerable. Every time I do something because I feel like that's what a good girlfriend would do is the opportunity for that effort to be rejected. I take it hard when it's not received the way I'd like it to be because I take it personally.

5. What is something you want to discuss in relationship coaching this week?

How I can articulate my needs in this relationship in a way that's constructive.

 

Jake

1. Tell us about your time with your bae today.

We were supposed to hang out tonight but I had some work things come up so I had to cancel and we ended up talking on the phone for a while. It was fun. Despite spending so much time together we still haven't run out of things to talk about. And thank goodness for that I would hate having phone calls where were both just sitting there in silence listening to each other breathe wondering who's going to ask the next question. That's the worst. Our conversation was fun as usual.

2. Scale from 1-10 how comfortable do you feel with your bae?

8

3. What is something you’ve learned about your bae that would have surprised you on day 1?

She wants to sing and act in plays and she's auditioning for one tomorrow. Which is rad! I thought she was a little too shy for something like that but nope, she's not.

4. Her Royal Highness, Brene Brown, says that vulnerability is the only way to true connection. How have you felt vulnerable with your bae?

Her Royal Highness? haha A royal highness with a massive chest tattoo. That's not something you see every day! I don't mean to diss on Brene, she's great and it took her a lot of "courage" to get that tattoo. haha get it, her tattoo says, "Courage." Ok look sometimes my jokes aren't great. And sometimes when someone is put on too high of a pedestal I feel the need to bring them down to where I think they're supposed to be. It's not a good quality in myself and I want to change it. I genuinely like Brene and her books which is why I'm being vulnerable with you and telling you this part of me that I don't like and am trying to change. Yes, I have felt vulnerable with my Bae multiple times. I don't have a big issue with being vulnerable with people. I know some people have a hard time with that but for me I just don't. I think standup comedy has helped with that. If I can be vulnerable and talk about painful experiences in front of a crowd then it's not so hard doing it one on one with someone I care about.

5. What is something you want to discuss in relationship coaching this week?

I don't know. Probably just ask if I don't see this relationship going anywhere after the thirty days so what should I do my last week of it?