Alicia and Brice. Day 4.

“I don't feel like his girlfriend.”

 
 

Alicia

1. What did you do with your bae today?

Today was supposed to be our date night and on Saturday we had talked about going to the Soap Factory. I was assigned to call to see if we needed reservations and then this morning I saw that they are closed on Tuesday and Sunday. So weird...why can't people be free to choose Tuesday night as date night? I mean, they can, but just not at the Soap Factory apparently. I texted him this and he responded, "oh no!" Then I got to brainstorming and thought it would be fun to do sidewalk chalk, because he is artsy and I had a weird desire to use sidewalk chalk, super random. Then life got busy after work and I didn't get a chance to get chalk, so my friend lent me some books called "If..." that are full of questions to get to know the other person. He came over to my house (our first time in private!) and we talked and asked questions for about an hour and a half then he had to leave to go dissertate. I mean, I guess that's a bonus that I won't be having late nights with TDB. I guess. Although, to be honest, that's what I LOOOVE about starting to date someone. The late nights where you totally regret it in the morning, but you feel so drawn and excited by them that you do it anyways over and over again until you figure out that an IV of Dr. Pepper probably isn't a viable way to get through the day. I love the moments where it is late at night and your filter dissipates a little and you start really getting to know each other. Ugh, such an amazing feeling, totally worth the circles under the eyes and a little bit of downgrade on your work productivity. But that's not what we did today. We did get to know each other a little bit and he blushed when I asked about his first kiss. I guess that will have to be a later night type question.

 

2. Give us an analogy to describe your feelings.

I love analogies and use them in therapy often, but this one took me a little bit to think of. I went and stared at my collection of movies to figure one out and it just so happens to be from one of my favorite movies, Frozen. Yes, you really read that right. The one with the song "Let It Go" that was horrendously overplayed, yet I listen to it...nevermind. Talking about my love for a children's movie is almost as vulnerable as me talking about relationships, so moving on! I feel like I am Elsa and Brice is Anna (I wish I could see his reaction when he reads that. I know he is a man and I'm comparing him to a female Disney character. It's nothing personal!). From my probably false perception, it seems that Brice is riding his bike around the hallways and jumping on the couch looking at art pieces having a good ol' time with TDB, while I'm in this room behind a closed door with all my thoughts of our relationship. I want to let him in, but in many ways I'm invalidating myself and my needs in this relationship. I feel like I need to keep my gloves on when I am around him, so that I don't overwhelm him with all my thoughts and hopes for TDB that haven't happened in our relationship. I think I feel a little hopeless that they will happen, which may be unfair for day 4. This all does relate to Frozen, but I'm guessing people don't know the details of the movie as well as I do, because adults.

 

3. Her Royal Highness, Brene Brown, says that vulnerability is the only way to true connection. How have you felt vulnerable with your bae?

I love being in a committed relationship, because I see that as a good foundation for vulnerability, leading to connection. I have felt vulnerable with him by asking him to spend time with me. Like when I asked him last night if he wanted to spend time together at one of our houses after our date tonight (which just ended up being at my house) and also when I asked if he wanted to drive together to relationship coaching on Thursday. He replied no to both of these. I am trying in little/safe ways to let him into the "Elsa room" and have been rejected twice from spending more time with him. This makes me want to pull away.

 

4. Scale from 1-10 how comfortable do you feel with your bae?

3. The ways that I show and feel commitment are not happening in our relationship. Honestly, if I were only committed to Brice and not to TDB, I would be outta' here. I like talking to him, but I don't feel like his girlfriend.

 

5. What are you learning about yourself?

I am going way over the allotted word count advice for these things, but I like analogies, so it's hard to keep those short.

I am learning some of the things I need in relationships are connection, vulnerability, time together, and trust. I am learning that I invalidate my needs in relationships be terming them as being "too much." I have learned that sometimes I may not voice my opinion for fear of the other person liking me less for doing so. I have also learned that I am highly self-reflective, comes with the profession, which I wonder if it may be detrimental at times.

 

Brice

1. What did you do with your bae today?

Well, we decided that we would split date ideas. She will decide one for the week and I will decide the other. She got to decide tonight's date. We were originally planning on making soap at the Soap Factory, but it's closed on Tuesdays. Instead, she improvised and we asked each other thought-provoking questions from a book called "If".


2. Give us an analogy to describe your feelings.

So you know that feeling when you're walking down the stairs and you misjudge how many steps there are when you get to the bottom and you expect a step but it's just the floor? Yeah... That one... But I'm getting to the point where I realize I'm not going to die and the floor is not yet lava so I'm safe.



3. Her Royal Highness, Brene Brown, says that vulnerability is the only way to true connection. How have you felt vulnerable with your bae?

I'm going to admit that I love Brene purely from an intellectual standpoint because of the research she does into vulnerability and trust. Have I created a cool flowchart on how her work connects to my job and then preached it to all my coworkers? Maybe. Do I bring her up in Sunday school? Maybe. Did I convince my friend who was anti-Brene to become a Brene advocate? Maybe. But even if I did, it was purely for science. #QueenBrene

Back to the question... I don't feel like I've had many opportunities to be vulnerable with Alicia. We've talked and shared thing, but it's been mostly superficial. I'm hoping our coaching session this week will be a good time for us to be open and vulnerable. Also, we'll be road-tripping this weekend, so there will be plenty of time in the car for vulnerability!


4. Scale from 1-10 how comfortable do you feel with your bae?

A solid 7. Once we get talking, it's pretty comfortable. There are times when I feel like we don't know what to say next, but I definitely don't feel uncomfortable around her.

5. What are you learning about yourself?

So much. I spent nearly an hour today processing dating and such with a friend today. It was much needed and gave me some perspective that made me feel more confident going forward with this experiment. I learned that my immediate reaction to commitment was that I'm actually OK with being forever alone.

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At the same time, I want that companionship. I want to learn how to be OK with sharing my time and my life with someone. Even though we're only on day 4 of this experiment, there's this assuredness that comes from knowing that I've got someone around even if it's only for the next 26 days.