Alicia and Brice. Day 30.

“We won't be staying together after this, I think that one is pretty evident. ”

 

Alicia

I will start off by saying that I wrote this log a few days after Day 30. I think this helped me cool down a bit, because I was quite frustrated on Day 30 and 31. Also, I really wanted to dedicate time to this post and this week has been nuts, so I waited till I had a bit more time. Yet, even with more time, I feel like I was not able to wrap things up in a pretty bow the way I had hoped to have closure on all of these logs.

1. HAPPY DAY THIRTY, you beautiful baes! In ten words (or less, we ain’t stingy), sum up what you’ve learned so far.

There are different ways to "succeed" in relationships

 

2. Scale from 1-10 how would you rate your chemistry?

I would say a 2. Based on my understanding of what chemistry is in relationships, there was not a lot of those atoms floating between us.

 

3. Scale from 1-10 how would you rate your compatibility?

For the more outward aspects of Brice's and my life, I would say an 8.5! But for the internal, personal things that actually create a relationship, I would say a 3. I think it could be higher, but after hitting roadblocks, there did not seem to be an opportunity to find ways we were compatible.

 

4. What’s next for you and your bae?

The three baeships and TDB team were going to meet up for a banana split sunbae break up party on Sunday (day 30), but this got switched to Monday. Brice and I didn't even talk on day 30. We had made plans for him to drive us up to the party, because my AC in my car rarely works. I found out in a group text on Monday that he wasn't going to the party, because he had a lesson that had been cancelled the few weeks before. This was pretty upsetting to me. It felt like after these 30 days together, I didn't even get the chance to have an in person break up or time to reflect together. It just ended. I did send a text, with a typo, oops.

5. It’s Sunday. Time to drop the last truth bomb. How will this change the way you date?

I hope to take more risks. I cringed as I wrote that, because that is scary! It is easier to stay in my "safe" way of doing dating, but I'm not getting the results I want. I want to take more risks to pursue people I am interested in. I want to take more risks by communicating earlier. I want to take risks by expressing my hopes and needs in a relationship. I want to take more risks by opening my heart up to be hurt. My brain just did this as I typed that

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I feel like the man in the Disney short, "Inner Workings" where the brain and heart are trying to fight for the "reins" of decision-making. (Small part of the movie attached to familiarize yourself.) If I logically think about it though, my heart really wants to be protected from being hurt, because ugh, it sucks so bad, but it also can be so rewarding and beautiful to be open and willing.

To elaborate more on what I wrote in the "10 words" question. Before the days actually started in TDB, I had an idea of what "success" would look like in the TDB experience and if I were to base the success of the experience, I would have failed. The TDB team helped me see that there are different ways of having success in relationships. I think often in our culture success in relationships is seen as the relationship ending in marriage, but man, that's a high bar to reach.

 

6. What did you learn about the relationship between commitment and chemistry?

I think chemistry can be a precursor to commitment, but commitment is the good stuff. I think a debate I had more during my TDB experience was between commitment and compatibility. Brice seemed to value compatibility and I value commitment. I think compatibility has its importance, but compatibility can only get you so far through the hard stuff.

 

7. What was the greatest struggle for you?

Oh sheesh. The biggest struggle was feeling like I was working hard at this relationship and being committed in the way that I want commitment in a relationship. I felt like I hit wall after wall with Brice and tried to get around those, but never really felt that I successfully did so. I got really burnt out and am still recovering from that a bit. The other struggle is what was dredged up in TDB. I thought that I had worked through some past difficult memories, but those kind of came in like a wrecking ball. So not only was I sitting with the exhaustion of trying in TDB, I was sitting with the pain of processing some past experiences as well.

 

8. Biggest takeaway from relationship coaching?

I appreciated relationship coaching for numerous reasons. I was thankful for the time to communicate with Brice, when I found it difficult to do so outside of coaching. Emily was really great at validating that it is okay to have needs in a relationship and it is okay to express those needs.

 

9. Other thoughts?

TDB was a consolidated experience of dating and reflecting on dating. I found this to be insightful as I pondered on what I want in relationships, where my growth edges are, and how I can approach dating differently. I am thankful for that and would recommend others to take the time for self-reflection on dating!

 

10. Gif to explain your overall feelings about your TDB experience?

I was going to get a gif of Harry and Voldemort where he says, "let's finish this how we started, together," but then Brice and I didn't see each other on Day 30, so it didn't really feel together. 

How I felt through days 1-20

How I felt through days 1-20

And I hope you all haven't been thinking this as you've been reading all my logs

And I hope you all haven't been thinking this as you've been reading all my logs

How I felt on day 32 a smidgen as I got to catch up on life!

How I felt on day 32 a smidgen as I got to catch up on life!

And to all those readers who made it to day 30 of my logs! For real though, thank you. Especially if you read days 21-29. Woof, those were rough.

And to all those readers who made it to day 30 of my logs! For real though, thank you. Especially if you read days 21-29. Woof, those were rough.

 









(they missed a "the," but good enough)

 

Brice

1. HAPPY DAY THIRTY, you beautiful baes! In ten words (or less, we ain’t stingy), sum up what you’ve learned so far.

Another haiku:

Commitment carries

More is needed when choosing

Be compatible

2. Scale from 1-10 how would you rate your chemistry?

Especially considering how things progressed after our last relationship coaching session, it just felt like there wasn't a connection there. By no means do I feel like we hated each other or had disliked each other, I just think any kind of excitement about the relationship died. So I'm giving it a pretty neutral 5.


3. Scale from 1-10 how would you rate your compatibility?

4. So this is slightly worse than a neutral score. Alicia and I do have a lot in common, but it appears that having things in common is not the same as being compatible. Sure, it can be considered surface-level compatibility, but when you get into a relationship with someone, you have to start thinking about some deeper compatibility issues. For example, humor is really important to me. It's how I have a good time, it's how I deal with stressful situations, and it's how I cheer people up. Alicia and I did not have the same sense of humor; laughter did not come easily to us. So that was difficult for me. Other compatibility issues cropped up throughout the baeship and that's OK. You're not meant to be compatible with everyone, but it's good to be in situations like this so then you can learn where some things are negotiable and some are not for you. 


4. What’s next for you and your bae?

Well, we won't be staying together after this, I think that one is pretty evident. Alicia is also planning on going to Reno for her post-doc so that would have made things difficult anyway for a relationship to continue since I have one more year left of my PhD. I wish her the best in Reno. Moving to a new place and having to reestablish yourself socially can be challenging, but I know she can do it! She'll do great down there.


5. It’s Sunday. Time to drop the last truth bomb. How will this change the way you date?

Well, I think I've learned that it's OK to try out commitment. Things don't have to be perfect, nor do you have to know with 100% certainty that things will work out. You can just go ahead and try being together with someone. There's a lot of self-discovery that can happen when you're in a relationship (whether it's a good or a bad one) and that experience is hard to come by anywhere else.


6. What did you learn about the relationship between commitment and chemistry?

I feel like I've mentioned this a lot, which is good because it's probably the biggest lesson I've learned throughout this. It's also what my haiku above is trying to say, so I'll say it in other words: Commitment gets you through hard times with someone, but chemistry is what makes you want to get through hard times with someone. In my mind, there isn't much difference between chemistry and compatibility. So I'd use them interchangeably here.

7. What was the greatest struggle for you?

Being open and honest with Alicia about how I felt. It started when I mentioned that Alicia had known one of my friends really well. I wasn't sure what that would do for our relationship and so I was afraid to bring it up. It didn't turn out well, but then other things compounded with that and I had to be more honest about how I felt - specifically that I wasn't really feeling this relationship. It seemed to me like there were too many compatibility issues. But I knew it was good practice to be able to speak in a kind and honest way with Alicia.

In a long-term relationship, I think this approach can really build trust. Being able to speak your mind openly and knowing that your partner will take what you say, no matter how awkwardly worded or painful it is, and be generous in how they interpret it. In those moments, commitment is what allows you to have that much trust and work through those hard things. Just because your partner says something that seems like the end of the world, it doesn't have to be. Commitment tells you that your partner is sharing that with you because they want to work through it with you. Going through that experience together builds so much trust for the next time something big comes up.


8. Biggest takeaway from relationship coaching?

10/10 would recommend to anyone. Like, when I get married, I think we should see a therapist once every month or two. Having that third party who can help you address issues and recognize when things aren't going well could solve a lot of problems. Otherwise, you may be too scared to bring something up on your own and so you let it fester until it becomes something that's blown out of proportion.


9. Other thoughts?

All my thoughts have been shared!


10. Gif to explain your overall feelings about your TDB experience?

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But really, I'm glad I did this. It was so good. Thanks for everything you did, TDB team!