Alicia and Brice. Day 12.

“My upper lip was sweating!“

 

Alicia

1. Tell us about your time with your bae today

We saw each other bright and early at our 8am relationship coaching meeting!

We had that for an hour and then we've texted a few times. He had a day off work, but got a migraine. I took some time off work because I had to get an endoscopy. Those thirty minutes I was under was such a good nap! I recommend everyone do it, but not really. So we have interacted, but nothing one on one.

 

2. What is something embarrassing that has happened between you and your bae the past 12 days.

Embarrassing...hmmmm... we played the game "What Do You Meme?" and I played a somewhat inappropriate card. That was a little bit embarrassing. Around the campfire some of his friends were asking us about TDB, which could have been a little embarrassing, but I like talking about it, so it wasn't too embarrassing for me. OH! On the first date, I wore a white lacy top and I had a feeling I would spill. I didn't notice I did until the woman who we walked with on our first date pointed it out. Like literally kind of poked my chest. That was a bit embarrassing. And also when I first met him my face got so red and my upper lip was sweating! I think he noticed. I was so embarrassed and anxious and unsure of how to act!

 

3. Do you think your bae sleeps with socks on?

I'm guessing no, because he said that he sleeps warm. This past weekend he said he slept with a sheet and a blanket. I slept with a sheet and four blankets and one night slept with my sweatshirt on and I usually am pretty warm when I sleep.

 

4. What do you appreciate about your bae?

I appreciate that he is open to hearing feedback, although it is scary for me to give it and I rarely do. I appreciate that today at relationship coaching I said how there were some things I wanted more of in our relationship and that didn’t upset him. Also, he seems to be a really hard worker! I think if he knew how to apply that to a relationship, that relationship would be pretty bomb. I know he's working in our relationship, but I think some things hold him back.

 

5. What do you want to discuss/learn in relationship coaching this week?

We had relationship coaching today and it was so early I didn't really brainstorm before going about what to talk about. Actually, before we went I felt like things were going decently, but now look at the next question to get more ideas on that. What I want to learn in relationship coaching next week is how to take steps toward each other that are away from our usual approaches and safety.

6. Did you leave coaching with any question, thoughts, or ideas you’re still thinking about?

Yup. I have quite a bit of confusion. Brice shared that there is a roadblock for him because I remind him of a difficult time in his past. I feel like I'm kind of in a bind about this, because I have no control over that time, but almost feel like it is my responsibility to do something about it. Another area of confusion, in the first few days of TDB I was talking with my friend about Brice and I and my friend said that he thinks Brice sounds like an avoidant attachment style. Today Emily and I talked about that and she thinks he is as well. That may be contributing to why I feel confusion. For example, when asked, Brice said that the time he has enjoyed being with me was our first date and the drive on Sunday. I got a little defensive/snarky in my remark and said "out of all the time we've spent together, only four hours of it were enjoyable?" Or something like that. I know, not the best way to go about it. He responded how we haven't spent much time together. I totally agree that we haven't, but the thing is I brought up on day one how I really like to spend a lot of time with the person I'm dating. I'm confused, because it seems like the way he said it could be interpreted as a desire for more time, yet I try and spend more time with him and it doesn't work out. Or maybe I haven't tried too hard since the couple little times, but also, "it takes two to make a thing go riiiight!" Brice shared that he is usually able to connect easily with people, but struggles to connect with me. He said that he has tried connecting to me at times, but we end up missing each other in our bids for connection. I do want to ask him about how he tries to connect, because yeah, I guess I've missed them. I kind of feel a bit defeated.

Emily challenged me to be open with Brice about what I wrote in last night's log, that I like him. That feels really scary. This is anxiety speaking, but sometimes I feel like Brice doesn't want to be with me. Also, the last serious relationship I was in the other person was avoidant attachment, so when that seemed confirmed by a few people that Brice may be avoidant, my heart kind of sank. In that last relationship, we both busted our asses to make it work, but it just wasn't working despite the compatibility and commitment. My relationship with Brice is bringing some things up from that relationship, which I guess is good because I can work through that! But also a lot of feelings come with that. I know that sounds a bit hypocritical, because I was just expressing frustration that Brice was bringing me into his history as being a roadblock and I recognize this may seem similar. It isn't on Brice to heal me. I watched the Proposal today as I was recovering and *spoiler alert* (but also, I don't feel bad spoiling the Proposal because it has been out forever and if the spoiler ban has been lifted for Endgame, then I feel like The Proposal is free game to spoil) at the end when Drew comes back to ask Margaret to be with him she responded something along the lines of, "I'm going to move back to Canada and we are both going to forget about this weekend, because that will be easier." And he responds in the perfect rom-com way, to which she quietly says, "I'm scared." During that time someone started cutting onions in my bedroom, super weird, I know, but I totally understand the "it would be easier" feeling to avoid the fear and vulnerability. Brice and I will have some stuff to talk about in the car tomorrow on our way to meet the other bae's!!! So excited to meet them!!! 

 

Brice

1. Tell us about your time with your bae today

We had relationship coaching this morning. I did the thing. I brought up what I wrote about yesterday. It didn't really go anywhere though since Alicia can neither confirm nor deny that my friend was her client. At least she knows where I'm coming from though? I don't know what will come of it since we can't really talk about it. This is a bad example of how to deal with baggage in a relationship. So I'm not sure if I learned anything about how to do that.

We also talked more about compatibility, commitment, and needs in a relationship. I've mentioned before how I'm pretty independent. Emily said I may be borderline an avoidant attachment style and maybe I am. Maybe I also don't quite understand what the needs are that can be met in a relationship. But my understanding about relationships has been shaped by the ideas presented in Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. I know I've quoted him before, but it's such a good book! Anyway, a comment he made was "Interdependence is a choice only independent people can make." So rather than being in a relationship where I'm dependent on someone for certain things, I've followed the idea that I need to be independent in order to enter into an interdependent relationship with people. That means two independent people choosing to come together in order to create something greater than what they were on their own. A story by Shel Silverstein illustrates the journey of a going from dependence to independence. Here's a link to a video that goes through the story. I don't know if that's the right approach to a relationship. I don't know if there is a right way to it. I think there are lots of good ways and lots of bad ways. You just need to figure out what works with the other person.

As for the rest of the day, I developed a migraine later and Alicia had a medical procedure so we were both out of it for the rest of the day.

2. What is something embarrassing that has happened between you and your bae the past 12 days.

Getting my car stuck in the mind because I thought I knew where I was going was kind of embarrassing. Other than that, we haven't had anything embarrassing happen yet that I can think of.

3. Do you think your bae sleeps with socks on?

Um. People do that? That's a thing? But why? I hope she doesn't. That just seems like an uncomfortable way to sleep.

4. What do you appreciate about your bae?

She's patient and willing to talk about hard things. I feel like I can be honest with my thoughts and feelings around her.


5. What do you want to discuss/learn in relationship coaching this week?

I like relationship coaching. It helps to have a third party there to reflect what's going on between me and Alicia. So there's nothing in particular that I want to learn or discuss for next week. Not yet, at least. I just enjoy the time there.


6. Did you leave coaching with any question, thoughts, or ideas you’re still thinking about?

See above. :)